I’m Tired

I don’t remember the last time when I spoke the words “I’m tired,” and that was all I meant. Whether it was to someone or to myself. I’m tired has replaced I’m okay, I’m all right, I’m fine which often was retorted with, “Are you sure?” Sometimes followed with unsolicited advice which honestly was never much help in climbing out of that headspace. I’m just tired has replaced I’m exhausted. It’s replaced I’m sad, I’m depressed, I feel broken. It’s replaced I feel hopeless. I’m not sure at what point I am tired became so much more in those two words. It creeps in the darkness of the night stealing sleep or causing nothing but sleep. It has no shame on a warm sunny day and still keeps coming at you with clenched fists. Frankly, most times talking about how I feel traps me there and I want to escape it and I have therapists for that sort of thing anyway.

I suppose I may not just be tired and after so many years like this it feels as if this is who I am now. It’s not all days but it’s closer to that being true than not. Sometimes saying I’m tired, is to not burden those you care about with something you can’t help feeling. And after so much time has passed and those feelings are still there the compassion dissipates from the ones you need it from the most. It is not intentional to hurt but the truth is, sometimes it does.

Maybe I don’t have anything positive to say and I am a jaded, cynical pessimist. And life experiences and jacked chemicals in my brain created the monster I feel I am now. So no, I won’t complain about my day, the physical pain I’m in I try to ignore and fight through or for the mental warfare inside of my head just to be told to chin up or buck up or to play the one up game with people I’m not trying to compete with, especially a game where every one is the loser. To be asked how I am and for the response to my reply to feel like nothing more than a brush off, an obligation to ask but no substance behind it. And yes, I already know that someone else has it worse than me but I still have to live this life in this body, in this mind.

I miss truly enjoying things, things I used to or even new experiences or even something so simple as chasing after dreams. To be trapped in survival mode only because the chemistry in my brain is faulty. Some days, not all days, I go through the motions only to get to the next day and only to do it all over again like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day or Sammy in the “Mystery Spot” episode of Supernatural. But I haven’t given up yet and that should count for something shouldn’t it?

So yes, I’m tired.



There’s something to be said about honesty and truth.

I was recently at a high school speaking to some students about being an author and actress. Some found the combination strange while others were excited that they too could pursue many different dreams at one time. I always encourage the students I meet when guest speaking to chase their dreams. Not just chase them but to run full speed ahead and tackle that dream to the ground and make it your bitch.

A student asked me how to make people believe in a character that I write or portray. I answered simply, tell the truth. If you are honest with you writing or performance the reader or audience will see and feel that. It’s the one thing that makes our far fetched stories real. If you write with honesty and let the story tell itself, succumb to it and don’t force it then you can really be apart of something amazing. My love of all things supernatural and paranormal is key to my writing about creatures and beings such as Fallen Angels. When I write I believe these characters are in fact these beings and I sit back wishing I was one of them, enduring with them. So simply, I said tell the truth and then did explained what I meant.

When I fall deeply into a book like Craved by Stephanie Nelson, Mark of the Witch by Jessica Gibson or The Reaping by M. Leighton, it’s because I’m lost in the truth they have created. I believe in their characters, I want to be with them or even be them. I have a long list of favorites but these authors are so honest with their work that I am never disappointed. That’s the sort of writer I strive to be and the sort of writer I hope to inspire these students to be.


Finding Alice available now through Amazon and Barnes & Nobles