How do I?

It has been quite a while since I have allowed or even tempted to have my fingers dance upon the keys of my trusty laptop. I am continuing to fight through life in a way that brings purpose to it and with many goals that show light at the end of the tunnel. After busting my ass I passed my last semester of community college, finished my first draft of my current book and after a terrifying long two weeks a medical test result came back normal. You would think I would be more at ease but the emotional rollercoaster of the last few weeks, hell the last few months has been taking its toll. I look strong and I am but I struggle or I shut it all down and away into the darkness unable to live through it otherwise. I take the blame, the guilt, the hurt and swallow it. I lost. I can admit that but I could not survive going through the motions any longer, repeating the same miserable day. I have had diagnosis after diagnosis and I offer them as an explanation and not an excuse because depression, bipolar disorder, anxiety and PTSD; they are all real. I’m not sure why people think they are exception to the rules of my life. The disappointment dripping from their everything kills a piece of me each time.

So I will continue to do all I can to provide the life my son deserves, the life I deserve. I will take the blame for the sake of those I love but I will no longer stay complacent in this horrid fantasy they have for me. Alone is just fine. After all, it was the one thing I asked for that no one has ever been willing to give me.

 

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