Life has been a whirlwind roller coaster of chaos lately. I’m not sure if I haven’t written because I had nothing to say or too much. My life shifted in some extremely uncomfortable ways and as I purge through the trauma of my past blindfolded, the emotions and feelings tied to them erupt seemingly from nothing. I have been attempting to make choices in my life that effect my life in a manner towards what I want or need for myself and as always when it effects others in a way not pleasant or simply not what they want or need, let’s just say it hasn’t been going well. I am so exhausted of putting others ahead of myself and simply surviving. Though at the moment all of the consequences of my choices have not been evoking warm and fuzzy feelings either.
My morning dove, Precious, past away last night. I had decided I would not share publicly as I did not want pity, sympathy or attention but I changed my mind if only because I wanted people to know that he was an amazing member of our family for twenty years, he was loved and he matters.
When I would sing (karaoke) in the back room (aka his bedroom), he would get excited for the company and he was a critic! He would coo and bow when he enjoyed the music and the vocals whether it be myself or a karaoke girls night. Times when my voice would strain or crack or in other way not do a song justice, he would laugh and laugh.
Years ago when we still had my brother’s bloodhound husky mix, Blue, and Precious was in his prime he would chase her around the house. Attempting to land on her back and hop up to her with his best mating call and sing his love of her. She was not interested but it was always adorable to watch.
Life is always happening and as much as we all wish it wasn’t, so is death as it is the balance of life. Precious’s death, knowing it was near still hit me with shock and unreadiness. I don’t know if there is a way to be at peace with it. As I continue to raise my autistic son, write my books, work my job, work on my studies now that I am back in school and all the other million things I attempt to get done on any given day, I must remember that pain, grief, and all things that leave our mark on our lives and soul do so, so that we may recognize the wonder and magic in the world. Honestly, I could use a little magic right now and I think we all could. This world we live in, seems so cold and cruel so much of the time.
I will not quit even if I falter. I will not hide away inside of myself for longer than I need to because it feels easier at the time. I will not put myself last. I will not let my diagnosis’s define who I am. I will grieve and search for peace. I will love without conditions. I will try to forgive, those who have hurt me and myself for all the things I have refused to because of feelings I am not worthy of forgiveness.
Precious, I buried your body with care and marked your grave so I may sing out to you as I once did. I hope your wings have spread wide and you are soaring above all things with peace, and joy in your heart knowing you were loved and we will all be okay.